Quote (#577)

"Dance like it hurts,
Love like you need money,
Work when people are watching."
- Scott Adams

"We do what we must, and
call it by the best names."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Those who can make you
believe absurdities can
make you commit atrocities."
- Voltaire

"Acting is the most minor of gifts and
not a very high-class way to earn a
living. After all, Shirley Temple could
do it at the age of four."
- Katharine Hepburn

"To me, boxing is like a ballet, except
there's no music, no choreography, and
the dancers hit each other."
- Jack Handey

"But what is the difference between literature and journalism?
...Journalism is unreadable and literature is not read. That is all."
- Oscar Wilde

Quote (#567)

"Give me a museum and I’ll fill it."
- Pablo Picasso (1881-1973)

"There are many men of principle in both parties
in America, but there is no party of principle."
- Alexis de Tocqueville

"If you're choking in a restaurant you can just say the magic words,
'Heimlich maneuver,' and all will be well. Trouble is, it's difficult
to say 'Heimlich maneuver' when you're choking to death."
- Eddie Izzard

"The first half of our lives is ruined by our
parents, and the second half by our children."
- Clarence Darrow

"I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that
my bath toys were a toaster and a radio."
- Joan Rivers

"If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell
him is ‘God is crying’. And if he asks why God is crying, another
cute thing to tell him is ‘Probably because of something you did’."
- Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts

Quotes

"I want to put a ding in the universe."
- Steve Jobs

"Knowledge is power."
- Francis Bacon

"Love is the only force capable of
transforming an enemy into friend."
- Martin Luther King Jr.

"I can picture in my mind a world without war, a
world without hate. And I can picture us attacking
that world, because they'd never expect it."
- Jack Handey

"The sea complains upon a thousand shores."
- Alexander Smith

"I love to go to Washington - if
only to be near my money."
- Bob Hope

Quotes

"Injustice anywhere is a threat
to justice everywhere."
- Martin Luther King Jr.

"You can't wait for inspiration. You
have to go after it with a club."
- Jack London

"I once said cynically of a politician, 'He'll
doublecross that bridge when he comes to it.'"
- Oscar Levant

"I hope that when I die, people say about me,
'Boy, that guy sure owed me a lot of money.'"
- Jack Handey

"The only thing I like about
rich people is their money."
- Nancy Astor

"It's not true that I had nothing
on. I had the radio on."
- Marilyn Monroe