Quotaria

"There's no present. There's only the
immediate future and the recent past."
- George Carlin

"My idea of an agreeable person
is a person who agrees with me."
- Benjamin Disraeli

"No man is exempt from saying silly things;
the mischief is to say them deliberately."
- Michel de Montaigne

"Last week, I went to Philadelphia,
but it was closed."
- W. C. Fields

"Education is what survives when what
has been learned has been forgotten."
- B. F. Skinner

"Success is a journey,
not a destination."
- Ben Sweetland

Quotaria

It seems like once people grow up,
they have no idea what's cool.
- Bill Watterson

Cherish all your happy moments: they
make a fine cushion for old age.
- Christopher Morley

I think it's the duty of the comedian
to find out where the line is drawn
and cross it deliberately.
- George Carlin

Special-interest publications should realize that if
they are attracting enough advertising and readers
to make a profit, the interest is not so special.
- Fran Lebowitz

He who praises you for what you lack
wishes to take from you what you have.
- Don Juan Manuel

"The significance of man is that he
is insignificant and is aware of it."
- Carl Becker

Quotaria

Luke Skywalker: Alright, I'll give it a try.
Yoda: No! Try not. Do... or do not. There is no try.
- Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back

Some national parks have long waiting
lists for camping reservations. When
you have to wait a year to sleep next
to a tree, something is wrong.
- George Carlin

"Architecture is the art
of how to waste space."
- Philip Johnson

"You cannot teach a man anything; you can
only help him to find it within himself."
- Galileo

"We're born alone, we live alone, we
die alone. Only through our love and
friendship can we create the illusion
for the moment that we're not alone."
- Orson Welles

Some of the worst mistakes of
my life have been haircuts.
- Jim Morrison

Quotaria

"He who will not reason is a bigot;
he who cannot is a fool;
and he who dares not is a slave."
- Sir William Drummond

"The only reason for being a professional
writer is that you can't help it."
- Leo Rosten

"By all means let's be open-minded, but not
so open-minded that our brains drop out."
- Richard Dawkins

"In Mexico we have a
word for sushi: Bait."
- Jose Simon

"May the forces of evil become
confused on the way to your house."
- George Carlin

"We are born charming, fresh and spontaneous
and must be civilized before we are fit to
participate in society."
- Judith Martin

Quotes

"Don't borrow someone else's spectacles
to view yourself with."
- Simon Travaglia

"The only reason some people get lost in thought
is because it's unfamiliar territory."
- Paul Fix

"In comic strips, the person on
the right always speaks first."
- George Carlin

"If men were angels, no
government would be necessary."
- James Madison

An idealist is a person who helps
other people to be prosperous.
- Henry Ford

"Opportunity knocked.
My doorman threw him out."
- Adrienne Gusoff

Quotes

The point of living and of being an optimist, is to
be foolish enough to believe the best is yet to come.
- Peter Ustinov

The quickest way to a man's heart really is
through his stomach, because then you don't
have to chop through that pesky rib cage.
- J. Jacques

The trouble with jogging is that
the ice falls out of your glass.
- Martin Mull

Weather forcast for tonight: dark. Continued dark
overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
- George Carlin

Though intelligence is powerless to modify character, it
is a dab hand at finding euphemisms for its weaknesses.
- Quentin Crisp

The best car safety device is a
rear-view mirror with a cop in it.
- Dudley Moore

Quotes

"The precondition to
freedom is security."
- Rand Beers

True friendship brings sunshine to the
shade, and shade to the sunshine.
- Thomas Burke

"Most of the things worth doing in the world had
been declared impossible before they were done."
- Louis D. Brandeis

Every one of us is precious in the cosmic perspective.
If a human disagrees with you, let him live. In a hundred
billion galaxies, you will not find another.
~ Carl Sagan

"The other night I ate at a real nice family
restaurant. Every table had an argument going."
- George Carlin

"Any war that requires the suspension of reason
as a necessity for support is a bad war."
- Norman Mailer

Quotes

"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die,
your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck."
- George Carlin

"Age is not important
unless you're a cheese."
- Helen Hayes

"Usually, terrible things that are done with the
excuse that progress requires them are not really
progress at all, but just terrible things."
- Russell Baker

"Don't look back. Something
might be gaining on you."
- Satchel Paige

"The universe seems neither benign
nor hostile, merely indifferent."
- Carl Sagan

"Nine-tenths of wisdom
is being wise in time."
- Theodore Roosevelt

Quotes

I have not failed. I've just found
10,000 ways that won't work.
- Thomas Alva Edison

The optimist proclaims that we live in
the best of all possible worlds,and the
pessimist fears this is true.
- James Branch Cabell

I wouldn't mind dying—it's the business of having
to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.
— R. Geis

Never knock on Death's door: ring the bell
and run away! Death really hates that!
- Matt Frewer, as Dr. Mike Stratford in "Doctor, Doctor"

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose,
but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll
be much harder to detect.
- George Carlin

No man's life, liberty or property are
safe while the legislature is in session.
- Judge Gideon J. Tucker

Quotes

If a man will begin with certainties,
he shall end in doubts; but if he will
be content to begin with doubts he shall
end in certainties.
- Sir Francis Bacon

Rage is the only quality which has kept me, or anybody
I have ever studied, writing columns for newspapers.
- Jimmy Breslin

If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were
laid end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised.
- Dorothy Parker

The creator of the universe works
in mysterious ways. But he uses a
base ten counting system and likes
round numbers.
- Scott Adams

"Well, if crime fighters fight crime and
fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom
fighters fight? They never mention that
part to us, do they?"
- George Carlin

"Computers make it easier to do a lot of things,
but most of the things they make it easier to do
don't need to be done."
- Andy Rooney